Being parents of adolescents is not always easy in today’s world. Do we overprotect or adopt a laissez-faire attitude? Should we keep an eye on their schoolwork or let them manage their own work? Do we let them stay out till 9? 10? Or midnight? Should we call the parents where the sleepover is to make sure our teen is safe? Should we be tolerant of the way they experience life or impose our parental values? Is $10 pocket money enough, even though they tell us that their friends get $50 a week and their friends’ parents are cool because they let them stay out until whenever.

It can be confusing, but there are a few guidelines for dealing with these issues:

Personal consistency: make sure you set a good example.

• be reasonable when it comes to consuming drugs and alcohol
• if you have issues in these areas, your credibility in dealing with your teen will be greatly reduced
• if you spend time whining about your neighbour, your boss or the government, there is little chance your teen will become a respectful adult.

Parent to parent consistency: both parents have to make sure they align their approach to their kids’ education.

• don’t sabotage your spouse
• know when to keep quiet when something comes up that you are less comfortable dealing with
• make sure you support and adhere to decisions you have made together
• never dish out privileges in an attempt to curry favour with your kids.

Define personal and parental limits: individually and jointly define three issues that are non-negotiable. Limits often reflect very deep-seated personal values. So insisting on a limit means that it is essential.

• What is a reasonable time for your child to come home at night?
• What role does respect play in your family (in terms of language, politeness, dress code, communicating…)?
• What do you consider to be essential for your child (from the standpoint of school, work, level of commitment…)?

Enforce your personal and parental limits: make sure you enforce consequences or some form of punishment whenever limits are ignored.

• as much as possible take away privileges that are connected with the transgression
• getting home late means the next outing is cancelled
• playing music too loud means no listening to music for a set period of time
• chores left undone means no pocket money
• failure to meet school-related expectations means no lift to a friend’s place
• getting a detention at school for failing to do homework means outings are cancelled.

Tenacity and stability: two absolutely essential keys: uphold your limits and their consequences no matter what

• do not respond to emotional blackmail (I’m going to run away from home. I’m never going to speak to you again).
• do not respond to threats (I’m going out anyway)
• do not react to harassment: once the decision has been made there’s no going back
• seek help from your spouse or from friends and family if you think you are not going to be able to sustain the limits you have set
• put the limits in writing and re-read them whenever there is any doubt (sign a contract if necessary).

Allow your teen to fail: But not to the point where they mess up their entire lives.

• controlling also has its limitations: overcontrolling your teens could give them the message that they are not capable of handling the situation and that you are going to take care of it
• giving them too much freedom could also lead to failure: use trial and error to figure out the level of autonomy your teen is capable of handling.

Intervene in areas where you have the authority

Tracking who they are hanging around with and exactly what they are doing every moment of the day is a full time job for a secret agent. Is that what you want to be? You can however check that they’re getting home at the right time and you can apply consequences (withdraw privileges where it hurts) if they don’t meet their commitments (i.e., if they skip classes, don’t hand in assignments, or neglect looking for a job).

Be a parent not a friend

Your teens have plenty of friends at school and from their recreational activities, but they have only you as parents (even though with blended families the number is on the rise).
A friend provides advice, commiserates and makes suggestions, whereas a parent coaches, provides support and sets limits.

Assume your role of authority

It is easier to hand out well-deserved privileges than to establish control over a situation that is disintegrating. So be careful: giving out privileges is far simpler than withdrawing them.