As health, mobility or other circumstances change in your parents' lives, it's natural to start looking at how their living arrangements affect them as well as you and your family. Some of the following situations can cause concern and worry for those with aging parents, whether they live close by or far away.

• Your parent is recently widowed and you are discussing the idea of having them to move closer to you. They are resisting, in spite of your concern for their well-being.
• You think it might be time for your parents to down-size from the family home, but either this conversation hasn't been broached…or there's been a negative reaction when you've brought it up.

• You are juggling too many balls – career, family and concerns about aging parents. Something has to give. If your parents move to a place that provides more services, your burden is eased. Mom is willing, but Dad says “no way.”

In each case, your family is likely feeling some distress. This can show up as:

• Fear of uncertainty
• Fear of losing autonomy and independence
• Stubbornness and resistance to change
• Power struggles between the generations
• Denial that a problem exists

One way to address the fears is to get better informed about housing options. The good news is that it's not a choice between one’s own home and a nursing home. Today's housing options for older adults include adult lifestyle communities, apartment condos, independent and supportive seniors' residences, and assisted living. The best option will depend on finances, preferences, and health and mobility needs.
To find out what is available in your community, you can contact:

• A local seniors organization
• City or municipal offices
• Provincial government websites (look under services for seniors)

Unfortunately, living in denial and failing to plan ahead can have unpleasant consequences – emotional, practical, and financial. But where do you start?

Talking in depth as a family about what's happening now and what could possibly happen in future is the first step. If family dynamics are difficult, having the conversation may be the main challenge. Think about these ideas to help you to talk to each other.

Preparing for the conversation

• DON'T expect quick decisions, especially when there are several options to consider.
• DON'T “parent your parent”. Meet as adults who are seeking a win-win solution.
• DON’T think you can get an adult to do anything unless they want to do it.

During the conversation

• DO see it as a series of discussions. Take small steps.
• DO express concern in concrete terms; talk about what you've noticed.
• DO talk about what the concern means to you practically and emotionally.
• DO share experiences – both positive and negative – from others in similar situations.
• DON'T fall into conversation roles and patterns that have not worked in the past. Try a different approach.
• DON'T see the situation as either/or. Unless serious health problems exist, there are usually options for the next step.

Here are a few more things for both parents and adult children to keep in mind:

• Planning in advance and for the long term increases a family's options – and makes a "move of choice" more likely.
• There are costs, benefits and trade-offs whether you're staying, moving, or waiting.
• A move too soon can be as bad as a move too late.
• Taking too strong a position, whether you are the parent or adult child, can affect the well-being of another family member.
• Consider more than the physical needs that housing satisfies. Social connections and a sense of belonging also keep you healthy.

If talking dissolves into conflict, DO involve a trusted, impartial outsider who can see the situation objectively and/or could influence new ways of thinking. Increased knowledge and careful communication are the keys to developing the best plan for your family.
© ElderWise Inc., 2009.

Author Profiles:
Maureen Osis is a Registered Nurse, a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, an author and a speaker on the Calgary Generations at Work roster. Mara Osis is an author, business advisor and coach, who is also supporting her family's elders in transition. She brings practical skills, experience and empathy to families and businesses facing the challenges of the aging population.
Maureen and Mara are co-founders of ElderWise Inc., offering health, housing and relationship-oriented publications for older Canadians. We are the publishers of "Your Aging Parents: How To Prepare, How To Cope", now in its 2nd Edition. We also offer several e-publications on specialized topics, available from our online store at http://members.elderwise.ca To subscribe to our free monthly e-newsletter, visit http://elderwise.ca